Two lifes lived as one
by syriala
Summary: This is the story of how Fili rememberes his life. Or rather the life of his brother.


This is just a little drabble, written in the dead of the night because I have a Hobbit situation. So please enjoy.

There a little spoilers to the story and one canonical charactere death so beware.

None of the characteres belong to me and if they did they would be happy and safe.

* * *

Fili remembered everything. And he didn't only remember his own life but also that of his brother for they were intertwined. And if he really thought about it, Fili had to admit that he remembered his brother's life better because he had only started to feel alive when Kili was born just as his life ended with Kili's.

He remembered how his mother had presented this little bundle of dwarf to him, telling him that this was now his brother whom he had to love. He could recall how Thorin had hovered over him, ready to catch Kili if Fili would drop him. And even though Fili was just a little dwarfling he had a tight grip on his brother.

He remembered how stupid it was of his mother to tell him that he had to love Kili because really how could he not? He was now a big brother and that's what big brothers do wasn't it?

Fili remembered that the first thing his little brother ever said was his name and how he started to walk for he was there every time. In fact he never left his brother alone for too long, he even demanded that the crib would be moved to his room. His mother was grateful for that because it took a great burden from her, allowing her to relax every now and then.

Uncle Thorin was not so pleased because, as he started to tell Fili in very early years, kings had to look after a whole town and couldn't concern themselves with just one person. Fili just started at him whenever his uncle started until he finally sighed and waved him away. And of course his feet would bring him right back to his brother who had started to dash around the house.

Fili remembered the first time his brother crawled into his bed, slightly shaking. When he had asked what the problem was he was met with a silent "Bad dreams, Fee."

Fili remembered that he had smiled slightly as he tucked his brother closer because even at the age of four Kili was too proud to talk about his fears but he trusted Fili to make them go away.

Fili clearly recalled the first time Kili got hurt. It wasn't really a surprise to anyone because Kili was a wild child, always running around, climbing trees or houses, jumping into rivers, not caring for the concerned shouts of his uncle, only laughing at the pleas of his brother.

Kili liked having his brother around but he also liked riling him up. And that was what he was doing when he broke his leg. He was running around and Fili couldn't quite keep up with him, Kili always changing directions, coming back to tease him, then running of to hide again.

Fili knew that Kili did all this to anger him and even though he always played along he couldn't really muster to feel it because hearing Kili laugh and his delighted shouts made him happy.

So when he suddenly heard Kili cry in pain he didn't understood what was happening. Only his brother shouting his name made him realize that something was wrong. He sprinted to his brother's side and when Fili saw him lying on the ground, foot bent at an unnatural angle, he felt cold.

He remembered how Kili, despite the pain he was obviously in, smiled up at him and murmured something about a stupid stone. Fili made a fuzz about it, more than was probably necessary, and he took great care of his brother, trying to read every wish of his eyes. He knew that Kili wasn't happy, that he hated being restricted, so he carried him around, making sure he wouldn't go mad inside.

After a few weeks the bone was healed and Kili was running around as carefree as always.

Fili remembered the first time he brought Kili to his classes because he had begged to come along even though Fili reminded him that it was a great deal of boring history stuff. But Kili insisted, claiming that he would endure them if he was allowed to weapon practice. Fili had asked Thorin first but he had no objections since they were both heirs and had to learn.

Kili barely lived through the classes, not only distracting Fili from his studies but also testing Balin's patience. When the lesson was over he couldn't get rid of them fast enough.

Dwalin, who was teaching Fili how to fight, had not so much patience but then again Kili behaved better.

Fili remembered how Dwalin allowed his brother to test all the weapons and how Kili stopped at the bow, declaring that he would like to learn how to use it. It was not uncommon for dwarves to use bow and arrow, it came in handy for hunting, and all warriors were decent shots but their first instinct was to go for an axe or a sword so Dwalin and Fili were surprised by his choice.

They didn't argue, though, but instead let Kili have his way because the first weapon of choice was usually their strong point. And indeed Kili did not disappoint for he was a natural. After that day he was allowed to train with the bow and he accompanied Fili all the time.

Fili remembered the first time he noticed that he held more than just brotherly feelings for Kili.

It was during one of the many training sessions they had and Fili had beat Kili again in a sword fight. His brother was good but Fili had a few more years of practice and it would take Kili another year or two until he could beat Fili but he wouldn't accept it.

So when Fili helped him up from the ground Kili threw his sword away and snatched his bow. Fili remembered telling his brother that this wasn't a good idea that Kili should calm down first, but his brother snapped at him that this was what would calm him.

And he was right because after the first arrow hit his goal Fili could see all the tension leak out of Kili's shoulders. Every arrow hit bulls eyes and while Fili watched how gracefully his brother draw the bow, how aptly he corrected his aim, it dawned to him and when Kili turned around a bright smile on his face and a sparkle in his eyes Fili knew that he was lost.

Just as Fili remembered this first realization he, of course, remembered the first time he kissed Kili.

It had been years after the session, years in which Fili didn't act on his feelings, fearing that his brother would be disgusted, that it would break their brotherly bond.

But he was also afraid that Kili would reciprocate his feelings because that meant a relationship in secret for no dwarf was allowed to be with a brother.

So Fili had kept silent, content because his brother was by his side and everything was well. Until Kili fell into the river and nearly drowned. Fili had saved him just in time but it was winter, the water freezing and Kili suffered of hypothermia followed by a severe illness.

Fili feared for his brothers live and wouldn't leave his side. So of course he was there when Kili woke up, clearly getting better every day but still a bit feverish. When Kili called his name and smiled weakly at him Fili couldn't help himself but to kiss his brother lightly on the lips. He withdraw quickly, fearing his brothers reaction, but Kili had fallen asleep once again, smile still on his lips.

It was another day before the fever broke and Kili woke up again and when he did he was crying. Fili was horrified to see that but when he asked Kili he just turned away from him. Fili tried not to make a connection between the kiss and Kili's behavior but he failed and so he also turned away from his brother.

It took them nearly a week to speak to each other again and it was Kili who broke his silence first. He came to Fili one night, sitting at the edge of his bed, staring down at his hands. He told Fili that he had dreamt that Fili kissed him and how happy that dream made him and how devastated he was to find out that it had been nothing but a dream.

Upon hearing that Fili felt lighter and happier than he had in weeks and he told his brother that it had not been a dream. When he saw the hope in Kili's eyes he couldn't help but to kiss him again.

Fili also remembered the first, and thankfully only time, they were caught.

Their mother had entered their room without knocking only to find her sons cuddled up in one bed, slowly kissing each other. She had shrieked in surprise and that brought Thorin in the room.

What followed were accusations of destroying the line of Durin, harsh words and endless lectures. Dis soon was tired of hearing her brother yell at her sons and left the house. It stung Fili to see his mother turn away from them but he couldn't dwell on that because there was still Thorin.

Kili hadn't uttered a word and so it was left to Fili to talk, to explain and to beg. In the end Thorin would have none of it. He decided that Kili would move in with him and that Fili was to stay with their mother and that was that.

After that they learned to be more careful and got more creative and were never caught again.

Fili remembered the first time Kili voiced his doubts about their relationship.

He could recall the way Kili had flinched away from his touch, eyes big and more looking like a child than the adult he was. Fili remembered the pain it caused when Kili said he didn't want to be with Fili like this, hiding like criminals, letting no one know how happy they were and even though Fili understood it broke his heart.

He convinced Kili that what they felt couldn't possibly be wrong, that it technically didn't harm anyone and Kili couldn't really argue with that reasoning so they went on with their secret relationship.

They were still close in public but since Thorin wanted desperately to keep the disgrace private he couldn't really forbid the brothers that, because they have always been closer than most.

Fili thought they were doing well, given the circumstances but he could tell that Kili wasn't really happy anymore.

He doubted their relationship and feared another exposure and it was eating away at him. Fili tried his best to distract him, to reassure him that everything was fine, but he knew that the doubt was still there. And it pained Fili to see his brother like that but he couldn't let go of what they had so he clung to it with everything he got.

Fili remembered the first time his brother lay eyes on the she-elf.

He could see that his brother was awe-struck and it made him furious. Their cells were next to each other and so when the she-elf made her patrol and stopped to talk with Kili he could hear every word and the tone of his brother made his body hum with jealousy.

It had been a long time since Kili talked so carefree with him and it made him sick that he talked to an elf like this. Fili was more than happy when they fled the woodland realm, hoping that Kili would soon forget about that elf.

They made their escape with barrels but not everything went according to plan and when Kili got shot while he tried to reach the handle for the gate, Fili's heart stopped. All the stories of poisoned orc arrows rushed through his head but he pushed them away telling himself that they couldn't be that unlucky.

And Kili seemed fine enough, so Fili was relieved. But when his brother crashed down the stairs of the armory Fili knew that they were indeed that unlucky.

He stayed behind with his brother, hoping against better judgment that Kili would survive. When they were attacked by orcs Fili wasn't even really surprised because that was just their luck.

What did surprise him though was the she-elf who came to their rescue. Fili watched how she and the princling slayed the orcs and when it was time for them to leave, he saw the inner battle she had and was surprised.

When she healed Kili Fili couldn't help but stare in wonder and none of the previous hate was left, only gratefulness for she saved the life of his beloved brother.

He watched them afterwards and after a few hours it became clear that she made Kili happy, because he smiled more than he had in the last month.

Fili tried to hate her for that, that she was able to make Kili smile where he couldn't, not anymore, but he couldn't manage it. All he ever wanted for his for his brother was happiness and if he found it with Tauriel then so be it. He wouldn't deny Kili that, even though it meant that his own heart fell into pieces.

Fili remembered the first time he heard Smaug, instantly afraid for his brother, who was still too weak to fight.

Fili feared that he would not survive the attack of the dragon. But Fili had to fight nonetheless even though he was hesitant to take up arms. Tauriel promised him to stay with Kili, to keep him safe and he believed her but it was hard to leave his brother behind.

Fili watched the first attack, the dragon big and strangely beautiful floating in the sky, breathing fire at the houses but still out of reach. He found bard's boy and learned that he was imprisoned so Fili rushed to free Bard since he was the only one who could probably shoot the dragon.

There wasn't really a fight, more running around, saving people, getting out of the line of the fire and it allowed too much room for Fili to worry. So when Bard hit the dragon and he fell into the lake Fili didn't pay attention to the cheerful cries but rushed back to Bards house.

It was badly burned but when he shouted for his brother, dreadful that he would only find a corpse, he heard a reply from a lower lever and when Kili, Tauriel and Bard's girls emerged from the wreck the relieve he felt was so great that he had to stabilize himself at a wall.

Fili remembered the first time he and his brother fought side by side in a war.

The humans and the elves had marched upon them, ready to take what was theirs from Thorin but before they reached the mountain orcs and goblins attacked and suddenly there was war.

Kili had recovered from his wound and was as strong as ever, maybe even better now with Tauriel at his side, but Fili had still tried to convince him to stay inside the mountain and guard the doors.

A foolish try, Fili knew that, but he couldn't help to try and protect his brother. He told him repeatedly to stay close by his side, to not be reckless and even though Kili promised he felt cold at the thought of his joyful brother in battle.

Tauriel had declined to go back to king Thranduil, instead she swore allegiance to Thorin and it would be good to have her with them but Fili couldn't help but see her as a danger for his brother. What if she was attacked and he did something stupid like jump in front of her?

But in the battle it was the brothers who fought side by side, Tauriel far away, lost in the battlefield. Fili and Kili were a well-trained team and they had each other's back.

They miraculously made it through the battle without any major injuries and when the fight subsided and there were only a few orcs to kill left Fili and Kili shared a victorious smile.

It was then that Kili's eyes suddenly widened and Fili felt how he was pushed aside. There was a thump and he was dragged down by the weight of his brother.

And that was how Fili remembered the last time his brother said his name and also the last time Kili took a breath. It had never occurred to Fili that he would ever have to live without his brother again, he always assumed that he would die first.

The arrow that was embedded in Kili's chest proved him wrong. There had been one last enemy and Kili took the hit to protect him.

His breathing was ragged and heavy but he still smiled at Fili who pulled him into his lap. "Saved you", Kili whispered and Fili nodded, not able to say anything because his voice left him.

Kili's eyes unfocused and he took another breath, whispering Fili's nickname from days when they were young and happy.

Fili was crying, begging his brother not to go and Kili looked at him, a faint smile on his lips, which made it hard for Fili to breathe, and it was still there when Kili took his last breath.

Fili saw how the life vanished out of his brothers eyes and it took Fili's will to live right with him.

Fili survived the battle of five armies but Thorin always claimed that he lost both his nephews that day, since Fili's life began with Kili and it also ended with him.


End file.
